Reports are coming out of the Huntington Medical Research Facility in California, that uber-jerk "will.i.am" from the notorious shit-shambles, the "Black Eyed Peas" - known as much for ripping the heart and soul out of all music they attempt, as being shit humans - has reportedly been repeatedly exposed to COVID-19 and has successfully repelled the viral menace by doing nothing at all but exist as an incomprehensibly, excruciatingly, self-righteous fuckwit.
"It seems will.i.am possesses a level of wanker unseen or surpassed before. He appears to be a gargantuan cunt whose intense douchebaggery forms a natural barrier; a crust if you will, to which the virus appears unable to penetrate. That or SARS-CoV-2 simply wants nothing to do with this asshole" - Dr Edward Baker Senior Huntington Researcher.
"Quite frankly I don't blame it. In the small amount of time I spent in the lab with will.i.am I had to suppress many urges to stab the man myself and I'm generally emotionally stable" - Dr Baker Said.
Before you get your hopes up and think you can start planning your next trip to Sexpo Gold Coast 2020, cool your jets because it seems this miracle might be isolated solely to this untalented, condescending fuck-face.
"Unfortunately for the rest of us, its simply incomprehensible that anyone is ever going to reach the level of inward and deluded self-absorption will.i.am has somehow achieved, so it is unlikely to be repeated, however we are exploring all options." Said Dr Baker. "Seeing reckless behaviour and similar results from President Trump in recent weeks also adds weight to the 'COVID-19 hates assholes' theory". Said Dr Baker.
That's a bitter pill to swallow, but interesting none the less.
What we can take from all this, is not just a common hatred of will.i.am. It's that comforting feeling that scientists all over the globe are hard at work looking for an end to this pig of a virus, whether a vaccine or treatment, perhaps, just perhaps, some other terminal ordeal befalls will.i.am.
Until then, stay safe, drink early and isolate.
Integrity C. Cronkite.