According to our award winning modelling, over 15,000 Australians are already carrying the dreaded COVID-19 also known as the "Coronavirus" or "Boomer Remover".

This threat is only going to increase in the coming days as everything our Government does to respond to it will be fucking woeful. Because that's what incompetent Liberal governments do. Ride the good times and shit themselves in a crisis. Literally.

I have more faith in Newcastle winning a major sporting trophy than Scott's ability to do anything other than wear shit hats and pray like some possessed junkie summoning the smack demon. By then it'll all be too late. I'm willing to bet right now, he's sneakily exchanging his duds for the 3rd time in 4 hours and asking a sex offender for economic advice.  

We at HTMG have had our bean counters and neck-beards feverishly assembling random data and numbers and making them into pretty graphs that look bloody wonderful.

I just ventured down to the basement for the latest stats, proceeded to spray their socially awkward faces and pasty hands with Glen 20 as they appear to have actual fevers. One of the geeks had also just vomited four 500ml cans of V over his Dvorak keyboard.

However, I'm assured that's all perfectly normal and that we have THE most accurate stats and modelling available, hands down. Hats will be eaten if we're not on point. Suck a big old dick scientific community.  

The stats are clear as we see them. A shitload of boomers will die and our economic system will fall with the grace of a bag of horse shit being dropped on a house of cards. That should take out the rest of us. Get some popcorn or some guns motherfuckers. This is gonna be fun.

The nerds assure me these links will be live soon.

Rolling coverage - COVID 19
Live Statistics - Click here to see if your neighbor has "the covid".
Forecasts that make Nostradamus look like a bullshit artist - Whats gonna go down.

Alan J. Boltlaw
Award winning bloke