On February 26, 2013, something extraordinarily random happened on earth, close to the end of the second quarter of a 'balls to the wall' street basketball game being played in the Bloomford Hills Miami area. This game was being played among friends including Chicago Bulls star and infamous egotistical "baller" Dennis Rodman, when suddenly and inexplicably Dennis took his ball, left the court and traveled to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, otherwise known as the DPRK, otherwise known as North Korea.

Dennis returned to the US a week later aboard an American Airlines flight, and arrived looking hung over as shit but ominously satisfied and mega high. However it was noted that he was uncustomary tight lipped about his extraordinary escapade.

Dennis would again be invited back to North Korea on September 3, 2013, by Kim Jong-un himself. Being the habitual line stepper Dennis is, the flamboyant player wasted no time time and boarded another American Airlines flight to Beijing. After briefly enjoying a meal from Kenny Rogers Roaster's at Terminal 4, he showed considerable balls and boarded his flight to Pyongyang on Air Koryo, the only one-star airline and lone maintainer of commercial Soviet aircraft in the world - for another helping of the mysterious hospitality.

Denis may have consumed such a burger

The events that lead to this perplexing meeting will largely remain a mystery, however it is said that leader Kim Jong-un had for decades harbored a child like fascination with the NBA, and in particular nursed a gargantuan sized fan-boy chubby for Rodman himself. It is assumed this played a part in the motivations for the ridiculous rendezvous resulting in Kim sending Rodman an invite to an all expenses paid country sized house party in his very honor.

Great Chemistry

Now, any normal person having received an invite of such gravity would most likely have declined and referred to the authorities, but Dennis was far from normal. Dennis is actually a medically diagnosed self centered, egocentric, narcissist, familiar with hard bags and outrageous partying, so he was immediately down for it.

Up until recently the going's on in the DPRK during these two visits by Rodman has been vastly unknown.  However, due to relentless stoicism and small but filthy acts, Integrity C Cronkite has obtained an ass-clenching confidential document listing some points of interest.

Document as obtained by I.C. Cronkite 11/04/20 - CONFIDENTIAL- Rodman-DPNK/files. Authorized Intel.

26/02/2013 - 08;00: Rodman arrives at Pyongyang airport and departs airliner clearly blazed beyond reckoning. It becomes immediately apparent Rodman has ignored all in-flight regulations and partied the entire voyage as is evident by his cooked demeanor if not the thick chronic smoke billowing out of the airliner doors. No mention of the in-flight meal service.

27/02/2013 - 9;00: Rodman is immediately driven to the Yanggakdo Stadium where he is presented with a choreographed mass of 87,000 synchronized North Korean school children whom to Dennis's delight, re-create Rodman's bejeweled bonce before his very eyes.  

28/02/2013 - 02;00: Rodman is woken in his hotel room at 2am by Government servants whom without saying a word quietly usher in Kim Jong-un wearing his flannel pajamas. The henchmen gently peel Rodman's covers back and gently slide the unpredictable leader into bed with Dennis. Rodman, now confused and frozen in fear's icy grip remains perfectly still and allows Kim to grind into the inner fold of Rodman's physique, where they would both stay motionless and silent until morning.

09/09/2013 - 13:00: Rodman is shown a missile stockpile where at one stage he mounts a primed ICBM loaded with a 15 kilotonne nuclear device aimed at Hawaii and necks a local ale as he straddles the super-structure so it resembles a large phallic object. Photographs are taken and laughter is exchanged.

11/09/2013 - 16:00 - Rodman in a moment of confusion eats a ceremonial flower given to him by Ri Sol-ju the first lady of North Korea. When handed the extremely rare mountain orchid as a gesture of emotional investment, Dennis was in fact meant to hand it back, however Dennis panicked and began to eat the flower until it was completely gone. Tense and awkward minutes passed until Ri Sol-ju thankfully smiled and walked away without comment.

Rare North Korean Ceremonial Orchid

15/09/2013 - 18:00 - Rodman is treated to another human choreography show to mark his impending departure involving over 130,000 forced participants whom through the use of colored sheets and flags created a strikingly vivid portrayal of Dennis Rodman's passage through his mothers birth canal. Climaxing in a giant newborn Rodman exiting through a 50 metre vagina consisting of over 80,000 tiny wobbling arms.

North Koreans performing for Dennis

16/09/2013 - 07:00 - Dennis is driven to Pyongyang airport in a burgundy hummer where Kim-Jong-Un embraces Dennis and begins to weep. Kim composes himself and hands Dennis a gold framed picture depicting Rodman and Kim Jung-Un embracing in bed, and a small nondescript plastic pouch which to Rodman's surprise turned out to be a children's take home birthday party bag.

Rodman was never noted as going to North Korea again, and after the documented happenings above, I frankly don't blame him. In fact I'm some what amazed that Dennis didn't end up having his tattooed ass ransomed back to the Bulls for vintage NBA player cards.

Stay safe, stay informed.

Integrity. C. Cronkite.