Deception is everywhere in these crazy times. Lies thrown about like a football at some dick-head's pool party , helpings of viscous shame so thick it makes the Catholic Church blush and sometimes even entire lives based on the finest of shit.

My FAXPHONE L80 screeched out it's curdling wail at 3am this morning, the coward machine alerting me of this very kind of occurrence. It seems one my "insiders" thought to bring to my attention that well known Californian singer song-writer and dirty chai enthusiast  Jack Johnson's whole identity is an infuriating, fist clenching ruse.

Jack displaying a very well rehearsed act

With a unique detest and an already limited tolerance for the retched beach itself, I had no idea whom Jack Johnson was. So after the limited seconds I could withstand of his musical catalogue, I ascertained like most people Jack was a relaxed coastal crooner, whom sat round snug sandy bonfires with naturally glowing, slightly wind tussled, good looking people. A guy whom loves everyone, everything, and is friendlier than Hugh Jackman on MDMA. But after reviewing the evidence I was clearly incorrect in my assumptions of the man. Evidence which I'd be happy to share with you now.

Exotic Pets:

Jack Meth Monkey

Photographs have been provided showing Jack Johnson's various and highly illegal, not to mention immoral, exotic animal collection. The doomed animals include a " brown Venezuelan spider monkey" he reportedly has cruelly trained to visit the beach and obtain methamphetamine on his behalf. A constantly caged "wandering albatross" which has  the largest wingspan of any living bird on earth (at twelve feet), and only lives to fly, and a Mongolian snow leopard whom lives in a cramped laundry completely un-climatised and petrified.

Enemy To The Planet:

Behind Jack's Actual House

Despite the climate change activist, carbon neutral show Jack puts on, we now have hard photographic and documented proof of a hideous lifetime of care-free pollution. Various exhumes of Jack's waste bins were undertaken to expose a shameful litany of recycling breaches such as hundreds of one use coffee cups, puddles of solidified deep fryer oil and old Holden Vacationer car batteries. A young Uber-eats delivery man whom refused to be named stated he had been delivering Jack's, quote "favorite meal of veal cutlets, with palm oil tater tots for years now", going on to quote "what's funny is Jack always paid us extra to serve it to him in the old styrofoam packaging of yesteryear" end quote.

Right To Bear Arms Supporter:

Jack Johnson at Gun Rally, Trying to Blend In

Further down the rabbit hole of Jacks lie tunnel we find he is a massive gun rights supporter being spotted several times at various rally's across the State, lamely attempting to disguise himself as he thrusted his M1 Garand in the air and chanted "gun up, or fuck up". Various witnesses' state whilst back stage waiting to go on at the Byron Bay Blues-Fest in April 2019 Jack brandished a Glock 9mm in the face of fellow performer John Butler, then glaring at Mr Butler slowly and intimidatingly stated "put on your red shoes and dance" to the now terrified Butler. Jack then apparently walked out and played the entire show with the ordnance tucked firmly in the small of his back.

The evidence provided convicting Jack Johnson of a nefarious imposter was simply overwhelming for me and my limited fax paper supply so I draw to a close.

Don't trust Jack Johnson, he will drown your dog, empty your change bowl then sleep like a baby. Don't trust anyone is what I've learnt, not even your mother, especially not my mother.

Love, live and explore things.

Integrity out.