Australia's terrifying mistake and inarguably weird unit Tony Abbott has unfortunately managed to jam his stretched dry head back into the media. Reportedly attempting to arrange a charity fundraising event for medical workers titled; "Hands Across Australia For COVID". The fool has embarrassed himself again.

Conceived in Tony's curdled brain in July 2020, as the title suggests the event was indeed aimed at creating what Tony was quoted as calling "the largest holdsy handsys in Australia, ever in the world". Requiring Australians to congregate and join hands eventually encompassing this already vulnerable nation.

Tony's ill-timed and dreadful vision

Tony's shit-brained idea was widely panned by business and community sectors alike quicker than Mal Meninga's political career and Tony was consulted by several grown ups who failed in their attempt to help him understand the issue.

At this stage the decision was made to engage a task force set up decades ago to deal exclusively with the meticulously slow job of explaining things to the former PM. Despite the well rehearsed raft of measures dubbed "The Turnbull protocol", all attempts to point out the obvious flaw to Tony fell on deaf gargoyle-like ears and the obscure man pushed on.

Numerous cringe-worthy attempts to curry favour with possible donors ended in Abbott being raucously laughed out of socially distanced rooms looking bewildered and confused as to the source of the laughter. Tony was ready to give up on his dream and go back to re-watching Season 3 of "The Crown", when he was contacted by Australia's most nefarious joy eater and humble meme merchant, Clive Palmer.

"Look anyone that's worried or concerned about this event is an idiot and they can shut up..." - Joya Gordo
Clive Palmer - Darwinism gone terribly wrong

The man known in Mexico as the "El Sapo Joya Gordo" (The Fat Jewell Toad) wanted to fund Tony's rinse-headed event with the filth bag quoted as saying, "Look anyone that's worried or concerned about this event is an idiot and they can shut up because a; I don't give a stroke of my long unseen and out of reach cock about your concerns and b; everyone out I need a Tim Tam and a shit".

The ludicrous fund raiser "Hands Across Australia For COVID" thankfully ran out of momentum on August 13, at which point Palmer pulled his funding quicker than he pulls bed springs and Tony went back to watching "The Crown". Tony is still at a loss to understand the issue preventing "Hands Across Australia For COVID" from coming to fruition.

When contacted by HTMG and asked to explain his failed event, Mr Abbott quickly lost track of the original question and proceeded to give a scathing review of historical inaccuracies he had personally documented in Season 3 Episode 6 of "The Crown". Unable to get a word in, we were forced to hang up on the former PM after 43 mins.  

We shouldn't be surprised to hear such evidence of Tony Abbott's idiocy, but somehow it enrages me to my core every time I'm reminded he's still out there. Like life with Coronavirus, I figure we are still trying to figure out how to live with Tony.

Stay safe.

Integrity. C. Cronkite.