Not to be outdone by fellow Australian mining rival and destroyer of ancient cultural sites Rio Tinto, BHP yesterday blew up the Australian War Memorial in the Canberra suburb of Campbell.
Public outrage erupted on social media after the controversial mining project began work shortly after the ribbon was cut by federal Resources minister, the Hon Keith Pitt. The project was approved earlier in the year while most of us were trying to find toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
The ambitious project was conceived as both a gold mining operation and a misguided attempt at social responsibility by the mining giant. Recent prospecting conducted by contractors had revealed trace elements of gold in Mount Ainslie. Core samples revealed gold equating to an estimated 0.43 grams per tonne of earth. The ratio, usually considered extremely unprofitable, was deemed viable due to being 'very nostalgic' and fitting with the mining behemoth's new focus on social responsibility. The cost was also greatly reduced by commencing operations on the site of the memorial.
In recent years BHP has been pivoting from its past as a giant polluting, earth raping, tax dodging corporation of greedy white arseholes traditionally giving zero fucks, to a much more socially responsible corporation that now publicly gives a few.
"There was gold in them there hills!"
"We feel social equality as well as environmental sustainability should be core company values in 2020. We've been mindlessly destroying precious and ancient Indigenous cultural sites since 1885, so we thought it was only fair we gave a bit back to the white community in pursuit of a quick buck. To you know, balance it out a bit." Said CEO Mike Henry.
"We understand this will be controversial but we believe it's the right thing to do"
At 11:11:11 am, the countdown began and with the push of a button, one of white Australia's most sacred sites was reduced to ash in mere seconds leaving the site resembling the aftermath of the Somme. The only recognizable remains being fragments of the Japanese midget submarine exhibition.
"It had to happen eventually. We weren't just going to stop mining and there's gold in them there hills! I genuinely hope the Indigenous people of Australia appreciate our new approach to addressing their concerns" said Mr Henry to a bewildered and crying group of onlookers. "Can someone please tell them we did this? We're done here. I could really go a rib-eye and a bottle of Moet"
Local elders of the Ngunnawal people provided a statement reading:
"Today's destruction of the Australian War Memorial is one of the stupidest things we've ever seen you whitefellas do and we've seen more malice and stupidity from you cunts than you'll ever know. We'd like to make it clear that as with most decisions involving Indigenous people, we were not consulted. Don't blame this shit on us."
BHP shares rose sharply this afternoon trading at $40.21 on the ASX at close.
Alan J Boltlaw,
Investigative reporter and thrower of hands