Recently I was woken from a sweaty slumber by my ringing phone at the crack of noon. Receiving the call ready to give whomever the blood sucking bastard was on the other end a heated flanging, I was happily surprised to find it was a dear old informant with a steaming hot scoop.
If you don't already know on Wednesday the 7th of October 2020 Mike Pence and Kamala Harris, (the VP and the VP wannabe), went bonce to bonce to show who had the better moxie for the job.
Midway through the awkward battering Pence was receiving from a cool calm Harris, well armed with factual history of Republican faux pas and general better handle on the situation , a strange but not uncommon occurrence boofed into reality when a fly landed square on Pence's melon. If you were to think this was an ordinary occurrence involving an ordinary fly then you would be forgiven but you would also be wrong.
Commissioned by Putin "The Great Bear" himself, and developed by the Academy of Military Science (headquartered in Moscow, Russia), "The Fly" as is was creatively dubbed by the nefarious lab dwelling boffins, was the result of 2 years and 4 months of intense "Russian hammer" fueled brain-jamming by some of Russia's most threatened, scared, starved and brilliant minds. Created for one purpose and one purpose only, to land on Pence's unnaturally white circumference on the exact time, at the exact date of 7th of October 2020, and directly inject the VP's frontal lobe with a bolt of electrical stimulus riddled with coded information in the form of a carefully formulated script for Pence to verbally follow in times of uncertainty during the debate.
The fly performed it's mission terribly.
As soon as Trump advisors had reached the fifty sixth reminder to the President of the pending Vice Presidential debate, it registered in Trump's nightmarish head it was actually a thing and he should probably pause the re-runs of "Mad About you" for a while and take note.
After a quick shit, shave and shower, he quickly decided Pence wouldn't be able to handle the debate with the same grace, professionalism and maturity that he did his, so he thought. Six minutes later after giving up on thinking he picked up his phone and called Putin.
In a child like manner of illogical and unreasonable excitement, Trump explained to Putin his unfathomable and unrealistic plan to use a gadget to directly access Pence's head cabbage and then use the VP as a surrogate and literally upload a speech directly to Pence, like he was some evil President of the United States.
If the whole outrageous idea wasn't doomed enough from it's conception then the pooch was royally fucked when one of the dubious technicians named Bogdan Chernyshevsky whom was a programmer and senior technician on "The Fly" project, got too high on the "Russian Juice" on the morning of a very sensitive programming session. Instead of uploading the carefully written Republican script into "The Fly" Chernyshevsky accidentally uploaded a private folder of his titled "Hot Buryatia Nights".
At this stage firmly believing the plan was primed and the ball was rolling Putin's team of meddling men with menacing monobrow's launched "The Fly" into the clammy air of Kingsbury Hall, Salt Lake City and watched with puckered assholes as it made it's journey across the hall and landed perfectly on Pence's fluffy white neck bubble.
"The Fly" then executed its protocol flawlessly, however the information being pumped into Pence's head was not the carefully written bullshit script the Republicans wanted but the entire audio file of Bogdan Chernyshevsky's filthiest porn collection.
Given the level of pestilence and outright filth being blasted directly into Pence's consciousness whilst live on camera at a Vice Presidential debate being beamed around the world, I'm surpised he didn't shriek like baby bird and shit himself. Pence would later confide in to friends he - quote, "went to happier times of Friday night hazings, paddling bleach white butt-cheeks at the Robert H. McKinney School of Law ".
The Clean Up:
Once the debate was finished Pence went home and had a 4 hour hot shower curled up in the fetal position whilst Trump shot crossbow arrows into his collection of various taxidermies until he fell asleep.
Across town media journalists worked through the night on articles with the sole intention of convincing the people that the "fly" that landed on Pence's head was an average normal fly and Pence was in control the whole time, totally not experiencing the distasteful erogenous turmoil he actually was. Journalists desperate to hide the filthy and fascinating truth from you
But not his journalist.
It's called the truth, enjoy or repulse at it.
Integrity. C. Cronkite.