MELBOURNE: This morning, in an unexpected attack on HTMG's own Integrity C. Cronkite, the disgraced former Cardinal George Pell, surprised all when he began to throw hands at Mr Cronkite in a pugilistic display that could only be described as expert.
Having earlier been denied entry to Pell's official hearing on suspicion of drinking and refusing to empty his pockets, it is alleged that Mr Cronkite spent the next 3 hours at the the Cricketers Bar, where he is said to have consumed over 12 double congiac and milks. He was seen by witnesses leaving the bar holding a brown paper bag and smoking a cigar shortly before the incident at around 3:10pm
Witnesses report seeing Mr Cronkite approach Mr Pell, where he proceeded to grill the former Cardinal with a flurry of hard hitting questions. This appeared to enrage Mr Pell and he immediately responded with two left jabs and a corkscrew that left Mr Cronkite unable to communicate for several minutes.
At this stage Mr Cronkite awoke in a rage worthy of berkowski, shot bolt upright and valiantly attempted to come at the cardinal with some sort of Bruce Lee cross kick. Witnesses would later say that Mr Conkite's efforts were ungraceful and ludicrously ineffective at best as he lost balance and sailed into the ABC's Michael Rowland who was nice enough to help Mr Cronkite return to feet. He then swung a wild haymaker at Mr Rowland before stumbling into a nearby gardenia and commenced to vomit up what we could only deduce was 12 double congiac's and milk.
Once Mr Cronkite was able to be questioned, he appeared to have no memory of the events or the whereabouts of his wallet but was adamant that the attack was unprovoked.
"All I recall is seeing a giant fucking corkscrew come from out of nowhere. Have you seen my wallet? Did that filthy abuse merchant take it? I'll be pressing charges or kicking his arse in the near future. Mark my fucking words."
Mr Pell's legal team have already indicated that they will be seeking damages from Mr Cronkite and the Hectic Terry Media Group.
To that we say, good luck George you filthy old pedo guy.
Alan J. Boltlaw
CEO, SOO, MBD, CCNA. POOP, MBE QC, AM