EARLIER THIS YEAR, when it was announced the iconic Captain Cook Hotel would be changing its name to the Captain Paddington, many commentators were quick to label the move a travesty of 'wokeness' and yet another poor example of cancel culture. While the hotel's owners disputed such claims, the chorus decrying a politically correctness gone mad sniffed blood.
Developments since have muted the attacks against the name change, however. In a recent announcement the hotel will now be renamed the Captain Cock Hotel, in recognition of one, Andrew Bolt, for his sterling and unrelenting contribution to public commentary. "Long has this figure plumbed the depths of public opinion in order to discover the rock bottom of public commentary," stated the publican. "As a community and a nation we need to recognise great men like this."
One needs to only reflect on the many personal attacks Bolt launched against those he disliked, his denial of the Stolen Generations, the bullying of a teenage girl and the numerous 'being black is the new cool' articles he penned to see how fitting the pub's name change is.
The Hotel will now undergo an extensive facelift in preparation for the formal opening, with a long list of equally important white men, including former PM Tony Abbott, almost PM Mark Latham, former Cardinal George Pell and great media blokes, such as Alan Jones and John Laws, expected to help their buddy launch the Captain Cock in late August.
As part of the Hotel's new look, the bust of Captain James Cook will be replaced by one of Bolt of course and the current steel furniture will make way for a selection of fine Chesterfield sofas. The menu will also be revamped, with caviar, fine cheeses and foie gras expected to replace the standard chips and chicken wings. Most exciting is a new whiskey bar catering for Bolt's fetish for the liquor and including his own hand-written descriptions and recommendations on the best drops.
While consideration was given to installing 'white only' signage throughout, it was decided that a strict dress code of smart casual (including polo shirts and loafers for the hotter months), over-priced and pompous beverages, Wagner operas on a retro jukebox and a croquet lawn instead of a beer garden, would likely achieve the desired results.
Clearly, many long-time locals will be upset about the changes. And, although they were there first, it is unlikely that they will even be allowed to set foot in the establishment once it reopens its doors. This does not concern Bolt, who on hearing the news of the various changes to the Hotel, was simply over the moon. "It's great to be recognised for my great works. I can't believe how me it all will be," he stated.
With this type of redevelopment likely to be a great success, there is no doubt attention will be drawn to other pubs named after the great explorer and similarly retitled to recognise the many other great Australian cocks.