Alan J. Boltlaw

Who the fuck is CSL and why are we paying them $1.7 billion?

Health minister and winner of the coveted "Most punchable face in parliament" award a record 3 consecutive years, Greg Hunt, recently took to the stage with the PM. They were

Australia

Outrage after BHP blows away the Australian War Memorial

"There was gold in them there hills!"

Australia

Why most of the Northern Territory and John Howard are allegedly shitcunts

Fuck you john howard! Fuck you dick cheney! Fuck you tipper gore! IT, What is this box for?

Breaking

BREAKING: Police demanding sexual favours for entry into New South Wales

GUNDAGAI NSW: In what is a developing situation at the Victorian border, NSW Police have been reportedly greeting motorists with their junk out and demanding they "suck 'em or fuck

Breaking

Alleged Belgian and suspected NAZI sympathizer Mathias Cormann to retire from federal politics

This morning, Senator Cormann came to the realisation that Australia is in a financial hole larger than Jupiter and that as Finance Minister, he had to rise to the occasion

Breaking

Disgraced Cardinal George Pell In Shocking Assault on Journalist

MELBOURNE: This morning, in an unexpected attack on HTMG's own Integrity C. Cronkite, the disgraced former Cardinal George Pell, surprised all when he began to throw hands at Mr Cronkite

It's COVID-19 or neoliberalism. Face it, we're all fucked

According to our award winning modelling, over 15,000 Australians are already carrying the dreaded COVID-19 also known as the "Coronavirus" or "Boomer Remover". This threat is only going to

Coronavirus

Al's top five songs to listen to while you potentially die of COVID19 on a mountain of toilet paper

Face it. Shit is getting real. There is food everywhere but not a single sheet of bog loaf for sale on the east coat. What the fuck is with you

Editorial

Top four tips for treating Cauliflower Ear

Also known as "the devastating dish", Cauliflower Ear is more common than many Australians may think. A season or two on the paddock with the boys at Merewether Carlton could

True Stories

Mate reveals fucked up shit at New Years gathering

My mate Michael who for the sake of anonymity will be referred to as "David", dropped one hell of a bombshell Wednesday evening at a small gathering of friends trying

Idiots

Celebrating New Years is like uppercutting your child in the crotch

2020 is going to be the worst year ever (good podcast right there) and you're all out getting shitfaced like it's just another Monday at the King St Hotel. Might

Breaking

Prince Phillip finally on the verge of carking it

The Duke of Edinburgh and notoriously pompous fuckwit Prince Phillip, has reportedly been rushed to hospital just days before Christmas. Royal spokesperson Sterling Witherington IV unconvincingly confirmed that the 98

Australia

Smokey burny shit around

There are reportedly some fires around. If you have specifics, email us at hottakes@hecticterry.co Probably being lit by those pyro-greenie cunts who refuse to back-burn until everyone in

Hot Take

I track you on tinder and fap over who you might be throwing one up

When I recently discovered you could track people using tinder, I've been filling the spank bank with all sorts of horny imaginary shit as I watch you move about like

Breaking

Lord Donny got the cane but defiantly declares: "Sir is still a fuckhead who can eat a bag of smelly dicks"

WASHINGTON: Congress on Wednesday voted to impeach Lord Donny but as usual, he genuinely appears to give zero fucks. Just look at that bonce. It's fucking ludicrous. It always has

Coming In Hot

If that cunt at megaburgers puts beetroot on my shit one more time

Lets make this clear. Megaburgers is fucking shithouse but due to proximity, uber eats and my complete disdain for the general public, I order that rubbish quite a bit. Then

Science

We know how to math

The team at HT are proud to announce that we have just submitted our latest research paper for peer review. Existence in Analytic Knot Theory Hectic Terry, Old Gary, Craigos

Culinary

I like my tofu in the butt. Fight me

On my recent bi-annual sojourn to the spiritual homeland, I happened across the ancient practice of shelving hefty lumps of bean curd. Yeah, I know it sounds a bit off

Alan has been a senior reporter with HTMG for 12 years. A Windale native known for quick hands and his intense determination in chasing a story or money owed. Golden Gloves Windale '84 Walkley '92

Who the fuck is CSL and why are we paying them $1.7 billion?

Outrage after BHP blows away the Australian War Memorial

Why most of the Northern Territory and John Howard are allegedly shitcunts

BREAKING: Police demanding sexual favours for entry into New South Wales

Alleged Belgian and suspected NAZI sympathizer Mathias Cormann to retire from federal politics

Disgraced Cardinal George Pell In Shocking Assault on Journalist

It's COVID-19 or neoliberalism. Face it, we're all fucked

Al's top five songs to listen to while you potentially die of COVID19 on a mountain of toilet paper

Top four tips for treating Cauliflower Ear

Mate reveals fucked up shit at New Years gathering

Celebrating New Years is like uppercutting your child in the crotch

Prince Phillip finally on the verge of carking it

Smokey burny shit around

I track you on tinder and fap over who you might be throwing one up

Lord Donny got the cane but defiantly declares: "Sir is still a fuckhead who can eat a bag of smelly dicks"

If that cunt at megaburgers puts beetroot on my shit one more time

We know how to math

I like my tofu in the butt. Fight me

Hey buddy-friend, can we have some of your hard earned?

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Hey buddy-friend, can we have some of your hard earned?