This morning, Senator Cormann came to the realisation that Australia is in a financial hole larger than Jupiter and that as Finance Minister, he had to rise to the occasion and resign in shame.
Reports are that he intends to abandon his family and start living the good life in his gold plated nuclear shelter before the inevitable class war is ignited by Antifa terrorists and disgruntled mobs of scary looking poor people who should just quit asking for free shit and get a fucking non-existent job.
Although eligible and slightly qualified, recent polling had indicated that Australia would never tolerate a Prime Minister that sounded like the Nihilists from the Big Lebowski. This allegedly made his decision to quit professional corruption and bullshitting all that much easier.
The Belgian-born 49-year-old arrived in Australia via leaky refugee boat in 2000 via war torn Afghanistan where he was reportedly on a sex tour. Upon applying for asylum because it looked better than Belgium, his political talent for being a white man was quickly recognized as he rose through the ranks to become ministerial chief of staff and senior adviser to the Liberal premier in the West Australian government. Soon after the infamous "Chair Sniffing Scandal" engulfing Troy "giss a whiff" Buswell, Cormann announced he would be moving to federal politics saying:
"This was a terrible slur on Troy. Many cultures enjoy the intense sniffing of an office chair recently vacated by a 17yo intern, including my own. I intend to make a difference in Federal Parliament so these injustices can be corrected at the highest level."
One former colleague who agreed to speak anonymously described Mr Cormann as "Creepy, yet very tidy and efficient".
"He used to come over to my cubicle periodically and silently remove and rest a single testicle on my stapler. Whenever I asked what he was doing, he would place his fingers over his mouth suggesting I also remain silent. It was very odd but he did have a very well manicured coin purse".
After some invasive "foot in the door" questioning from HTMG this afternoon, Mr Cormann denied any links to the NAZI party, Nihilism, grotesque inappropriate use of testicles in the workplace or our accusation that his doomsday voice was entirely put on.
"Fake news. Gefickt werden!"
HTMG never lets a spurious rumor ruin a good scandal so we're calling cowardice and ratfuckery on this. We have dispatched investigative guru Integrity C. Cronkite to follow up.
Potentially more to come.
Alan J Boltlaw OAM