You may not be familiar with Harold Faltermeyer but it's very likely you've been touched by his fingers because Harold's fingers are responsible for some of the worlds most bodacious synthesizer riffs to invade your head holes.

Integrity sits down with the "Casio Killer" who shares some of his professional secrets on keeping your fist probes in first class form.

1: Roosting Incubus (with Gerard Depardieu)

Gerard Depardieu roosting a hand

If you can book him, and of course you can afford him then a highly effective treatment for your dubious digits is to lightly spray them in oleo di olivio and have Gerard Depardieu sit ass naked on them for at least 8 hours.

Gerard insidious rear gear will keep your sultry sausages moist whilst his ill-begotten blow hole will keep them at the perfect temperature. Upon removal of your precious grabbers it is important not to look nor smell your moistened mitts until you have thoroughly washed them. I guarantee your arm sprouts will feel a million grand.

2: Dough Jabbing.

Bury those shamefull slenders!

Every Sunday morning I like to make a nice organic spelt flour sourdough, i find it's homely aroma permeates my house.

Pre-heat your oven to 180 degree celsius and once up to temperature turn it back off because you wont need it. Instead roll up your dough in a large bloated ball and commence to dive your dastardly dirt rods deep into the yeasty folds. If your density is correct, the dough should give resistance equal to but not greater than a large male Sea-lion's pituitary gland.

After 3 months of Sundays your fingers will develop the kind of agile strength found only in the worlds finest child factory workers. Your dexterous pointers will be the toast of the town, so sit back and enjoy the praise.

3. Inappropriate and Unnecessary Clapping.

Snap em till they glow baby!

Don't let the winter chills kill your hand chubbies. Head out into the cold with your happy clappers and make some invasive noise. I use this method through out the cold seasons to keep my pokers on their game and red hot.

It's easy, just find a crowded public space, coupled with a situation that requires a very subtle applause if none at all. An example of this would be a busker finishing a clearly average performance, or a work acquaintance announcing they are taking a weeks annual leave to go on a cruise.

Begin a dedicated clapping as if you were at a local live music venue. Not too loud but clearly too much for the menial occasion. Ignore the puzzled expressions you will receive and firmly but gradually raise the intensity of your unwanted recognition to a higher state of inappropriately hearty applause.

It is essential that you remain staring at the person of interest whilst keeping a perfect expressionless face. Hold the excruciating awkwardness for 5 whole minutes, by now you should have flown into a massive over-reacted bout of bone rattling applause.

Slam your surface capillaries together with the force of the Hadron Collider over and over again, until a colleague gets scared and/or an insecure male among the office group feels obliged to physically subdue you in a sweaty entanglement of cheap Lowes suites.

Once the frenzy dies down I advise you leave post haste. But before your raging neon red clamps deflate, take time to enjoy the rush of life pulsing though the tortured things.

Harold: That's my top 3 tips to keeping my fingers pumping out the power rainbows.

Integrity: They have to be the most ridiculous fucking tips I have ever heard.

Harold: Look they work for me, thanks for having me Integrity.

Integrity: Thanks for coming.

Well another helpful mind muffin to digest, and your welcome. See you next time on HTMG.